“I want children but no husband.” I said that to my peers, a group of interns during lunch one day. 3 boys and 3 girls, including me. They stared. It is something shocking to them. We have been taught that children are responsibility and we should enjoy our life with our other half before getting bogged down by child-rearing
To tell you the truth, the idea of having SEX is scary to me; the idea of having a penis penetrating my vagina, of someone knowing the inner part of my body better than me is frankly speaking, an unthinkable horror. So even if I am to have children, very unlikely will they be born from my womb. The route I am looking at is adoption.
Heard of that before? Adoption? A process where you take a child that has been abandoned by his/her family and make yourself his/her family? Yes? Then tell me why, as an unmarried woman am I not allowed to adopt.
I have been told that the adoption of success rate for unmarried women and men are very very low. Why? Apparently we cannot give the children a ‘complete’ family life, whatever the heck means. I mean, I have a so-called ‘complete’ family. My mother would not divorce my father when my sister and I were younger because she wants us to have a ‘complete’ family.
But seriously and truthfully? I don’t respect my father as my father, I am not close to him; he has never taken up any of the responsibilities of a parent. When I was having an important exam, he came in drunk and step on my calf at 2 am. Is this the ‘complete’ family life they are talking about?
My mother scraped and scrimped to afford to buy a house (we rented a house for 17 years previously) while he spent all his pay with his friends and went to comfort his (female) colleague because she has depression. My mother had depression when I was eleven and she dealt with it herself because my father didn’t think of it as anything.
If we dispel the myth that only married couples can give a good life to children (personally I think we, that is my sister and I, would be happier if my mother had divorced my father), then why unmarried people are unsuitable to adopt children? Because we have to work? What about couples that both work? Why wouldn’t the arrangement that works for them work for us? Because the children would not have a ‘mother figure’/’father figure’? What father figure I have? A man who is irresponsible towards his family and his money, who has nothing left when he is forced to retire because of a stroke brought upon himself by living unhealthily? That father figure? Really?
I do not want a husband. I have an inherent mistrust of men in my life. I am not a misandrist. I do like guys and actually have a lot of guy friends. I trust them, but not in my life. I do not want to carry a burden called marriage. I do not want to concede to their power, their names. I do not want my children to take their name; I want to take my mother’s name but it is JUST NOT DONE. I want to be a single mother who adopts; I am afraid of the pain of labour. I want to have children who are not mine genetically; I do not mind. But I am not allowed the chance.
Back to the interns. This brings me to the second point that I want to make today: the idea that humans are only complete with a partner. The interns were incredulous NOT because I want children, but because I want children without a man in my life. Most of my friends gave me the same reaction when I told them I want children but no husband. The equation we have been taught seems to go like this:
Married = Children
Unmarried = No Children
But what happen is you are unmarried but you want children? One of my friends suggested an unprotected one night stand. May be a good idea if I am not afraid of the idea of sex. But since I am, well, it seems society has not yet thought of that.
Perhaps one day soon society will realized that people who remains unmarried has the right to family life and the right to adopt children as long as they care for the children. Perhaps by the time I am 35 I can adopt a child. Perhaps…..